airplane May 15, 2008Posted by d.w. in hate.
the 20-year-old girl sitting on the plane next to me for three hours watched all of the deleted scenes, all of the interviews, all of the storyboards, and all of the other extras from the mulan dvd on her laptop. then she watched a knight’s tale. the in-flight move was 27 dresses. i sort of still want to die.
9 year-olds — who needs them? October 21, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
i was at a math picnic this afternoon. everything was going well (we were kicking a soccer ball around and talking about modular forms) and then somebody’s kid (9 years old?) came over in his soccer uniform and asked if we play soccer or something. anyways, 4 of us were trying to juggle it, but ug-fest kept jumping in the middle and catching the ball. when he jumped you could see his fat, dirty diaper that his mom probably forgot to change before the picnic. so he kept doing it and i finally called “hands” on him. he said he was the goalie. i told him there are no goalies. then he picked the ball up, ran 40 yards and kicked it straight in the air. then, instead of trying to juggle it with us, every time it came to him he caught the ball and then drop-kicked it right at whoever was closest. if it missed them he would yell, “goal!” then this lady that gave a talk yesterday about cholera hit the ball with her arm and the kid called “hands” on her. so i said that she was the goalie and he said that he was the only goalie. so then i said the game doesn’t have any goalies and he said that nobody said it didn’t so he was calling that it did and that he was goalie. then he wanted to play 2 on 2 and he picked me to be on his team. then he kept picking the ball up over by their goal and i kept calling “hands” on him. he said he was goalie and i told him that there’s no goalies in 2 on 2 and that even if he was goalie, he was way out of the box. then the other team scored a goal and he called offsides. i said that it wasn’t since both of us were between them and the goal and since she didn’t even pass it. so he didn’t count their goal. don’t play soccer at math picnics because someone’s kid will ruin your day.
intuitive?! October 15, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
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i appreciate the fact that the girl last night at that party said that my victory in a “pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey” type game seemed very intuitive. but doesn’t she realize that i’ve been strategizing for 18 years? you don’t just intuitively dominate a game like that. it should have been painfully obvious that i knew exactly what i was doing. does she think that i aimed exactly 20 degrees to the left of where they pointed me on a whim? seriously, i wish she would pay attention.
get over it October 10, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
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i hate people who dislike the new star wars movies on grounds that the new cgi yoda is worse than the puppet yoda. what’s better about the puppet? you think it’s more real? yeah right. puppets are not any more real looking than cgi. especially episode iii cgi. you can tell it’s a puppet just like you can tell that the new yoda is cgi. do you think there’s more integrity in using puppets? why would that be the case? it’s only the case if you think that any technological advancement has no integrity. so you should probably be listening to your cassette tapes and talking to your friends through a tin can. is it because you hate that yoda is younger and nimbler? that’s absurd. remember how awesome it is when yoda fights against count dooku? i cried the first time and i’ve gotten the chills every time since. you don’t get to be a jedi master by sitting around eating that soup. if georgie could’ve made yoda nimbler in the old episodes, he would have for sure. so yoda’s personality (like R2) was determined by the limitations in their movement. the only possible answer is that you’re probably just having an necrophiliac affair with jim henson. that makes sense. you grew up watching the muppets and that storyteller show. you grew up thinking that he was the best in the business (he was), and that no one could ever match him. i got news for you: there are other good puppet makers. but i’ve got other news for you: puppets are from the 20th century and pres. clinton already helped us cross the bridge into the new millenium. the only reason you like old yoda over new yoda is because you’re stuck in the past. you remember how life was before you became a fat loser and you associate puppets with a better life. it’s not your fault entirely. but give me a break when you try to tell me that the old puppet was better than the new cgi. they’re both pretty bad just like yoda is a pretty bad and selfish jedi “master”. here’s what yoda should look like. he’d be like the coolest jedi ever.
i’m onto you, weatherman October 7, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
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the 3rd best thing about my new house is that i live right behind 7-11. it would be the best thing, except i’m trying to quit taquitos. i went there last night because i needed to get change for the 24-hour laundromat where i dry my clothes that get washed in the washer in my house. so i bought a soda and asked to get cash back. i know the rules, i’ve been to like 100 7-11’s, and you can always get $10 back. the fatty behind the counter made a fuss and cried his eyes out about how he’s only supposed to give cash back if it’s a $3.00 purchase. that’s ridiculous. it’s the same either way. anyways, he gave in pretty quickly (without me putting any pressure on him) and gave me the $10. i said, “can i get some quarters for those dryers?” he said, “we don’t have quarters.” i wasn’t in the mood to change his diaper for him or kiss his ugly face, so i just left. but i’m onto you, 7-11 guy. anybody would be. who doesn’t have quarters!? what an idiot. he could’ve been nice and said, “i don’t have very many quarters,” and i would have replied, “oh, nevermind then.” but instead he said they don’t have them, where even if he ran out, i know that he can put a $10 in that stupid safe and get a roll of quarters out. i hate him and i hope he gets cancer.
i got back and put my stuff in the laundry. i had to stay awake for another 45 minutes and it was already 12:45a. i thought it would be a good idea to watch lawrence olivier’s hamlet and i put it in, but when i was glancing through the channels i found a better program. when i got to it, they were talking about pickpockets and their strategies. then they talked about important ways to keep safe. then the narrator started talking to the camera and said, “coming up next: your home may be the most unsafe place for you to be” or something like that. that was when i caught the title: are you safe? a national test on crime prevention. then next segment came and featured a burglar jumping over a wall and sneaking around some bushes. all of a sudden the movie paused on the burglar and the narrator said, “which of these is true: most burglars a) plan in advance, b) come in the night, or c) pick a quiet neighborhood. if you answered c), give yourself 4 points.” i picked a), so i didn’t give myself any points. but then it was talking about how a common burglar scheme is to dress up as a repairman or something. but that seems like planning in advance. i didn’t hate the show for that, in fact i kept loving it. at the end of the show you were supposed to tally up your score and give yourself an extra 2 points if you participate in a neighborhood watch. if you score above 80, you’re taking the necessary precautions. if you score 60-80, then you need to pay attention to your habits. if you score under 60, you’re supposed to reevaluate your dangerous life. this was the best television show i’ve ever seen. you should order it.
so besides the 7-11 guy getting cancer, i hope that he scored under 60 on that test and i hope he gets pickpocketed in a public place while his home is quietly burglarized. maybe then he’ll listen to what mcgruff says, take more precautions against possible crime, and give me some effing quarters so that i can do laundry in the middle of the night.
disinvited September 27, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
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i was at a party near palo alto, california last week. i was practically having the time of my life (i mean pretty much i liked it okay) and then this kid walked in and brought down the vibe of the whole room. talk about a downer. anyways, so i starting hating my life, etc, and all of the sudden, i noticed that he had a two-liter bottle of rootbeer between his feet and a cup of it in his hands. i watched for a second while he refilled and emptied his cup. so i thought, “man, that rootbeer sure looks tasty.” i went to go get some and there wasn’t any. so he hadn’t taken extra rootbeer from the table of snacks and beverages. he had taken the only rootbeer. “what a dick!” i mumbled to myself. paul must’ve overheard me because he asked who was such a dick. i pointed the rootbeer thing out to him and paul went over and kindly asked if he could have some rootbeer. the kid looked at him as if paul were joking, but paul’s it’s-not-even-yours-asshole-so-you-better-give-me-some look convinced him to fill up paul’s cup. we were all laughing and i mentioned (again) how much i hated him and how if i ever threw a party i would disinvite that idiot-face. i would have a list of people not allowed, but instead of a list it would just be a picture of his fat face. then when he showed up at the party with all his ugly friends, the bouncer(s) would say, i’m sorry, you’re on the list of disinvited. and his friends would make fun of him which would be reverse from how he would usually make fun of them for being ugly. but who’s laughing now, jerk? i told that to emily (she was sort of co-hostess of the party). she told me that last time he’d broken a $400 stereo. 2 minutes after she said that, he dropped the portable stereo that he’d been holding when he went to go pour himself some more rootbeer out of not-his bottle and the stereo broke.
let me break it down, since i had all 3 of my math courses today.
broken stereos x 2 + hogging all the rootbeer = stupid, fat, ugly, and disinvited to any party i ever throw.
i don’t throw very many parties. but i’m going to start, because now at least i know who i’ll disinvite.
k is for klan September 26, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
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why do people spell their businesses or their products that have c-words with k’s instead? don’t they know it’s stupid and fat and ugly? well, the answer is that they’re racist. they’re members of the ku klux klan and they want to signal to other clan members that they hate other races too. seriously though, who do they think they’re kidding? does kurt honestly think that he’s going to sell his stupid drawings? the worst for me is that i can’t like bratz stuff anymore because…
halloween 2k3 September 22, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
three years ago for halloween i dressed up as ash ketchem, the pokemon trainer kid. it was the best costume ever. and i worked at the salt lake city library at the time (at the checkout desk) so i thought that all the kids would be so excited to see ash. exactly zero kids noticed my costume and i was starting to get depressed. so 10 minutes before closing these kids came to check books out and i asked them if they knew who i was for halloween. they thought for a second and a little girl guessed right. then they seemed excited and i thought that it wasn’t going to be a bad halloween after all. there was a halloween party at dusty and gavin’s old house that night that i went to.
when i got there dusty asked, “who are you, ashton kutcher?”
i didn’t know who ashton kutcher was at the time, so i figured he was just mispronouncing the name. so i said, “it’s ash ketchum… the pokemon kid.”
then jordan came and asked if i was ashton kutcher and i told him the real name too. but i realized that ashton kutcher must be a real person. so i quietly asked gavin who hewas and he told me. i started to get even sadder than at the library because people thought i was ashton kutcher and not ash ketchum. just because i had on a trucker hat. but pharrell was wearing trucker hats way before stupid ashton kutcher. i hate ashton kutcher. so much. he’s so fat and so ugly and so stupid. i hope something bad happens to him or his family. anyways, so i wasn’t excited about people thinking i was ashton kutcher, but i had told pretty much everyone who i really was and i was making good pokemon jokes like, “brian, i choose you… to get me a soda” or “tim, do your shut-up attack.” then 3 new people showed up and were coming down the stairs as i was going up. they said, “hey, great costume. ashton kutcher, right?” so i went straight home and cried myself to sleep.
way too diplomatic September 19, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
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i rode the greyhound to san francisco from corvallis on sunday night. there was this couple (newlyweds, apparently) that tried to go just to the front of the line, and i thought that it was a good time to start hating them. and i started planning a post about how i hate the girl most. so then they ended up behind me and the gentleman asked her how they were going to sit together and she said, “don’t worry. i’m way too diplomatic for us to sit apart. the bus was pretty full and i ended up on the back back seat with this other gentleman. they ended up two rows in front of me, by convincing this gentleman playing video games to sit next to the gentleman with the skateboard. then someone was in the bathroom (next to my seat) and when the lady that i hated went to use the bathroom i told her that someone was inside, i thought. she opened the door into his foot and yelled at him to lock it. then twice while he was still inside the bathroom yelled things like, hurry it up in there.
then as luck or fate would have it, the gentleman next to me got off at the next stop. so i had the back seat (which is 3 seats instead of 2) all to myself. i was excited because i had a pillow and i could go to sleep all night. the hated lady saw that i had it to myself when she used the bathroom again and asked if i would be willing to trade them. i normally would have been willing except (a) it’s a 3-seater and i’m tired and (b)she was really mean to that other gentleman. plus i hate her. so i said no thank you and she said that she’d pay me for the seat. then her husband told me that they were on their honeymoon and told me that he’s got some of the good stuff for me, if i switch them. i still told them i was going to pass. ten minutes later she yelled, “i feel like being a bitch and stretching out on the back seat by myself.” i yelled back, “i feel like being a bitch and whining about every thing that doesn’t go my way,” but only in my head.
we finally got to medford and stopped at a pilot gas station/convenience store. as i was walking to the store, the husband came up along side me and suggested that we alternate. he again offered me some good stuff that’ll put me right back to sleep in the other seats. so when we got back inside, there was this rather large gentleman that was boarding and she shouted to him that there was room on the back seat. joke’s on her, though, since i still had 1 1/2 seats. but she was laughing the whole time. at the next stop, the large gentleman got out to smoke and someone stole his seat. so in her face.
we finally got to sacramento and i couldn’t believe that i had to still be on another bus with them. anyways, then this happened. i heard what sounded like a fire-cracker or a gun and turned around to see her husband rifling through his bag. he grabbed a magazine (with the good stuff maybe?) and bolted. security called the police and they were searching for him the whole time i was there. i felt bad for him because he married the stupidest, meanest person ever, and also because now he couldn’t make his bus. but i was secretly happy that she was detained by the police. she lied about her birthyear to them and she also lied when he called her on the telephone and said it was her mom.
the unfortunate circumstances made it a little hard to keep hating her (but i did still somehow), so i started hating the kid in front of me in line. he had the biggest smile while the cops were questioning her. i thought it was inappropriate, even though i was smiling on the inside. and his haircut was stupid, so i hated him too.
a kick right in the taco, buster September 4, 2006Posted by d.w. in hate.
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conversation from 2 nights ago in seattle:
setting: taco time on 45th and corliss. it’s made of glass and looks like it came straight out of little mexico…. psyche. the time is 11:00p.
taco time attendant: may i take your order?
me: oh your open. that’s great. i’ll have–
t.t.a.: actually i just put away all the stuff.
yeah, he put it away in the 30 seconds that passed from when the car in front of us ordered and pulled up to the next window to when we pulled up to the ordering box. i’m onto you t.t.a. nice try. next time why don’t i remove my brain so that we can converse as equals? who does your hair anyways, picasso?
what a dick. not like that dick’s hamburger stand (also in seattle). i just mean that i hate him. don’t ever go to that taco time in seattle. it’ll make you want to never go to a taco time that doesn’t look like a cactus again. or do go. because it’s worth it to know that taco times that are made out of glass probably only hire liars to work there. liars that hate people and love satan.