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i should be rafael nadal’s tennis coach January 25, 2007

Posted by d.w. in sports.
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there’s a few obstacles though:

  • he already has a coach named toni
  • his coach is his uncle
  • he’s already been #2 in the world for like 78 weeks
  • i’m not good at tennis and i don’t know how to coach it
  • i can’t even get rid of my own tennis elbow

some of those can be easily disregarded. i don’t have to fix other people’s tennis elbow, that’s what trainers are for, and i think you can just hire those. so i guess only one of those doesn’t matter. i still don’t know anything about coaching tennis and his uncle obviously does, so i don’t want to replace him. i want to be hired as a co-coach with toni nadal. let me tell rafael and toni what i could do for them as a coach. i could coach him during a match. what’s that? it’s illegal? B.F.D. i’ve devised a way to coach from the stands. first of all, nobody can know that i’m his coach. only him and toni. everyone will think that toni’s his only coach. so i’ll show up as a spectator at the game and i’ll hang out during the other matches and hold up signs and stuff. but the signs have phone numbers on them. i’ll keep holding up phone numbers during the early matches and whenever the camera zooms in on my i’ll make the “call me” signal with my hand. i’ll even mouth “call me” to the camera. the trick is that the first 2 numbers of the telephone number will be code for nadal. everyone will think that i’m just nuts. but i’ll be coaching nadal from the stands. toni can call the shots to me via telepathy (or technology) and i’ll relay the message using our phone number system.

i came up with this in a dream. that’s a lie. i actually came up with it during the clijsters-hingis match last night. i wanted hingis to win, but she didn’t. and i saw her coach yell something and the announcers were like, “what was that about?” but if i was in the stands holding up signs with phone numbers, they’d just be like, “who is that idiot in the stands?” they wouldn’t even think that i was coaching her. i thought i would try to be hingis’ coach, nadal v. gonzalezbut then i got online this morning and read about how rafael nadal lost last night. i should’ve stayed up to watch it. then at least i could’ve tried to relay messages to nadal via telepathy (or technology) and maybe he could’ve pulled out the win. brian called it, too. he said that the chilean, fernando gonzalez, who beat james blake and now nadal, was pretty awesome. gonzalez was the 10th seed coming into the australian open and he beat nadal in 3 straight sets. when i read that, i decided that rafael and toni nadal need my help. they need secret coaching. one of the codes will be: 26 = “your capris look cool.” i’ll probably hold that one up the most.

i’m planning on staying up to watch roddick v. federer tonight. it starts at 12:30a pacific time. that’s late and i have to teach at 9:00a, but i have to start figuring out what kinds of messages need secret relaying. so it’ll be worth it. i can quit math and teaching and make millions as an undercover coach. plus i can just go to tennis matches all year long. toni and rafael will have to pay my way inside to other matches so that no one catches on. i won’t make millions, but they’ll take care of me and i’ll be able to hang out with nadal in spain in between tournaments, so who needs millions? plus, free tennis matches year-round. if you’re reading this, rafael, email me and we’ll set it up.

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