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nobody beats a kiefer kia January 13, 2007

Posted by d.w. in sports.
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i’ve been avoiding writing any sports articles for awhile because i had so many things that i wanted to write about but never got around to it. so i kept thinking that i would write a million sports articles when i got back to oregon. but instead i didn’t. so my plan is to pack everything into one article. these are the top 9 sports-related things i’ve been thinking about lately.

  1. sean salisbury is an idiot. i watched a lot of sports center over the christmas break and i remembered that i hate him. it’s funny because since i don’t have cable in oregon, i sort of forgot that he’s more annoying than those kiefer kia commercials they show here.
  2. i didn’t get last place in the bowl picks this year. in fact, i might have finished in the top half, but i don’t know that for sure. maybe i didn’t because i think i might have made a bunch of wrong picks towards the end. but i’m pretty sure that i finished ahead of brian and dusty. brian told me how he was hanging out with dusty around last year’s bowl picks and dusty kept talking about how i was worst bowl picker ever. it’s true, i was last place 3 years in a row. but in your face, dust. also, i picked florida, so in america’s face.
  3. my friend nathan here in oregon invited me to be on a basketball team with him in this league at some athletic club. we had our first game last night. the highlights for me were that i got this thing for my tennis elbow so i looked a lot cooler than usual. and i took a charge from this dick on the other team. the bad news is that we only had 4 people show, so we lost 110 – 50. i’m excited about playing in leagues. my math professor holly swisher asked our class if anyone wanted to start a math department indoor soccer team. i said for sure. if we lose (which i’m sure we will), it’ll only reinforce the idea that mathematicians can’t play football.
  4. i’m glad iverson got traded. i don’t care what people say about his “inability” to play as a team with other stars. he’s capable and he’ll do it. the only problem is that i didn’t like carmelo anthony, but now i have to learn to like him if he’s on iverson’s team. well, that’s not entirely true. i never tried to like chris webber (except when it looked like he was growing his hair out again) and i felt good about it. but i think i will try to like carmelo. i sort of like that after he got a big contract, he started getting a little chubbier.
  5. that boise state game was sweet. in everybody’s face that i go to school with. they all said that the only reason boise state won any games is because they play on a blue field. that’s ridiculous. i don’t really like the quarterback very much, but that coach is pretty sweet.
  6. so florida’s coach is named urban meyer, right? after the national championship game, he had his son with him and i started wondering if his name was urban jr. but actually i wondered if his name was suburban. suburban meyer. instead of urban meyer, jr. that’s way better. if my name was urban i’d name my son (assuming i’m not impotent) suburban. maybe sub-urban. the only problem i see is that chevy makes the stupidest suv by the same name. so instead i’ll just be glad that my name isn’t urban. i’ll never be faced with the dilemma of trying to use the best name that also happens to be the worst car.
  7. i guess escalades are actually stupider. freddy adu has one. and now he’s on real salt lake. also, i guess david beckham is on l.a. now. i think that’s a good move. i wish more players would play in leagues that aren’t the “top” ones. like i wish that more basketball players fed up with the nba would go play in europe. i think rasheed wallace should go there. it was actually brian who thought rasheed should go there. but brian didn’t write it and i did.
  8. brian wrote an article about nicknames. greg’s nickname for rasheed wallace is “rasheed the deed.” (is that comma in the right spot, brian?) brian’s nickname for vladamir radmanovic is “rag-tag,” and my nickname for pau gasol is “el matador.
  9. gilbert arenas is pretty good at basketball.

so now to my nfl picks for the week:

  • rex grossman throws 3 touchdowns because marcus trufant is still injured and the bears win.
  • drew brees throws a touchdown for every carat in reggie bush’s earring. jeff garcia throws a touchdown for every hair left on his head. saints win.
  • ray lewis misses the game because he loses track of time while playing colts v. ravens on his x-box. his video game character made a big hit on video game peyton manning and he invited all his friends over to watch it on instant replay. but the ravens still win because ray lewis is not the best player on the team, and because peyton hung out with eli during the week, making him a worse quarterback than he actually is.
  • tomlinson throws a touchdown to himself. and shawn merriman sacks tom brady 100 times. chargers win.
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