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sportsman of the year?! December 27, 2006

Posted by d.w. in sports.
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sportsman of the year: tiger woods. just because someone’s dad died doesn’t mean they are the best sportsman of the year. brett favre’s dad died and he threw like 18 touchdowns in one game, and then he drove a semi full of goods to new orleans after hurricane katrina, and then he made those prilosec commercials — and he didn’t win sportsman of last year. i’ve never driven a semi, but i do play golf like 3 times every year. i (almost) never take mulligans and i usually give up after 4 holes. but that’s because my clubs didn’t cost 1,000,000 dollars. in fact, i only had to work in my uncle’s garden for like 3 hours one day when i was 12 years old for my golf clubs. if you take a pretty standard wage for a 12-year-old and multiply it by 3, you’ll get something substantially less than $1,000,000. if i had clubs like tiger’s, maybe i would appreciate why he’s sportsman of the year. it’s probably pretty impressive to a lot of people that tiger won like every tournament after his dad died. and i can (sort of) respect that he’s a really good golfer. but sportsman of the year?! maybe on a different year, but this year, there’s too many other good candidates. here’s my list of sports(wo)men of the year:

1 ) roger federer: i already wrote an article that briefly mentioned his accomplishments this year. he was completely unstoppable. he did virtually everything he could do in one year. tennis doesn’t get any better.
2 ) ladanian tomlinson: he isn’t just breaking every single season rushing record — he’s shattering them. and he throws touchdowns too. and when reggie bush worked out with him reggie threw up like 6 times because he couldn’t keep up with tomlinson.

3 ) lance armstrong: he already won it 4 times and all he did was battle testicular cancer once. so why stop at 4? plus he made those stupid wristbands that say livestrong. more like divorce-your-wife-to-date-sheryl-crow-strong.

4 ) ricky williams: in his rookie season of canadian football he almost took his team, the argonauts, to the championship — as a fullback.

5 ) didier drogba: he’s leading the premiership in scoring and he single-handedly qualified ivory coast for the world cup. plus he looks so cool. and he’s my favorite athlete.

6 ) kobe bryant: just 6 months after scoring 81 points in a game he said gilbert arenas has no conscience for scoring 60 against him. maybe that’s cry-baby of the year. they haven’t announced that one yet, but if my brother doesn’t get it, kobe better.

7 ) zinedine zidane: he head-butted that guy in the chest.

8 ) kenny smith: he changed his vote at the dunk contest so that nate robinson would win even though andre iguodala had the best dunk in the history of our expanding universe. it’s amazing and impressive that he can change the outcome of the all-star game just by being an idiot.

9 ) the girl from stick it: that was a smart movie. did you notice the title has a double meaning? stick it like, “stick your landing,” and sticking it to the judges. remember how at the beginning she’s riding that bike and you think it’s a boy? trick!
10 ) morten andersen: he broke the all-time scoring record in the nfl at the age of 46. that doesn’t happen every year.

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Comments»

1. brian - December 28, 2006

that guy that does 720 dunks should be sportman of the year.

or that autistic kid that made all those three pointers. people tear up when they tell that story. i tear up because of the way they exploited that kid. maybe he shouldn’t win sportman of the year, he only made three pointers from high school range.

and if we’re going to give sportsman of the year to non-athletes (in the sense that tiger walks around the golf-coures, has a caddy and rarely breaks a sweat), maybe we should give it to those computer scientist who are trying to program computers to beat the top chess players in the world. or maybe we should give it to computers.

or maybe we should give it to xbox360 for for playing simulated golf better than tiger woods. that game can do things tiger has never dreamed of.


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