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i’m onto you, weatherman October 7, 2006

Posted by d.w. in hate.
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the 3rd best thing about my new house is that i live right behind 7-11. it would be the best thing, except i’m trying to quit taquitos. i went there last night because i needed to get change for the 24-hour laundromat where i dry my clothes that get washed in the washer in my house. so i bought a soda and asked to get cash back. i know the rules, i’ve been to like 100 7-11’s, and you can always get $10 back. the fatty behind the counter made a fuss and cried his eyes out about how he’s only supposed to give cash back if it’s a $3.00 purchase. that’s ridiculous. it’s the same either way. anyways, he gave in pretty quickly (without me putting any pressure on him) and gave me the $10. i said, “can i get some quarters for those dryers?” he said, “we don’t have quarters.” i wasn’t in the mood to change his diaper for him or kiss his ugly face, so i just left. but i’m onto you, 7-11 guy. anybody would be. who doesn’t have quarters!? what an idiot. he could’ve been nice and said, “i don’t have very many quarters,” and i would have replied, “oh, nevermind then.” but instead he said they don’t have them, where even if he ran out, i know that he can put a $10 in that stupid safe and get a roll of quarters out. i hate him and i hope he gets cancer.

i got back and put my stuff in the laundry. i had to stay awake for another 45 minutes and it was already 12:45a. i thought it would be a good idea to watch lawrence olivier’s hamlet and i put it in, but when i was glancing through the channels i found a better program. when i got to it, they were talking about pickpockets and their strategies. then they talked about important ways to keep safe. then the narrator started talking to the camera and said, “coming up next: your home may be the most unsafe place for you to be” or something like that. that was when i caught the title: are you safe? a national test on crime prevention. then next segment came and featured a burglar jumping over a wall and sneaking around some bushes. all of a sudden the movie paused on the burglar and the narrator said, “which of these is true: most burglars a) plan in advance, b) come in the night, or c) pick a quiet neighborhood. if you answered c), give yourself 4 points.” i picked a), so i didn’t give myself any points. but then it was talking about how a common burglar scheme is to dress up as a repairman or something. but that seems like planning in advance. i didn’t hate the show for that, in fact i kept loving it. at the end of the show you were supposed to tally up your score and give yourself an extra 2 points if you participate in a neighborhood watch. if you score above 80, you’re taking the necessary precautions. if you score 60-80, then you need to pay attention to your habits. if you score under 60, you’re supposed to reevaluate your dangerous life. this was the best television show i’ve ever seen. you should order it.

so besides the 7-11 guy getting cancer, i hope that he scored under 60 on that test and i hope he gets pickpocketed in a public place while his home is quietly burglarized. maybe then he’ll listen to what mcgruff says, take more precautions against possible crime, and give me some effing quarters so that i can do laundry in the middle of the night.

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