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snake-surfin’ safari January 9, 2006

Posted by d.w. in misc.
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i wish they’d do a mythbusters to find out if snake surfing is possible.

definition: snake surfing is like regular surfing except that it usually happens on a river instead of on the ocean. the other, less notable difference is that you stand on snakes instead of a surfboard. this is made possible by tying the ends of the snakes’ tails together in a knot (type of knot currently unknown). the (in)humanity of this act will not be treated below.

aztec heaveni saw a photograph of snake surfing once. except that it wasn’t a real photograph. it was a painting in the anthropological museum of mexico. i’m no scholar, but i think that since it’s in the anthropological museum, the artist must have been pre-columbian. also, since i’m completely psychic (see last paragraph), i know that the artist’s intention was to portray typical activities of the aztecs. so aztecs could snake surf. in fact, they did it all the time — for fun; for transportation; for olympic medals — it was practically their national pastime. (supposedly that ball game was, but i don’t see any paintings of them doing that every day.)

i recently watched a documentary on king cobras. i learned a lot of things that i didn’t know. most importantly, i learned that king cobras are great swimmers. so i guess it’s too bad that the aztecs didn’t live in india or southeast asia. they could’ve been surfing on some eighteen-feet-long king cobras. instead they were probably surfing on snakes thatthey had to wrestle from the mouths of golden eagles perched on top of a cactus. some crying bald eaglepeople might suggest that a king cobra would be tougher to catch than a snake that an eagle already caught. but it’s not just any eagle. it’s a golden eagle. i’ve never seen a golden eagle, but i saw a bald eagle crying once. most touching experience of my life. the other thing about king cobras that would make them good for surfing is that they are easily hypnotized.

here are ten known things about king cobras that are not necessarily related to snake surfing:
king cobra (1) king cobras are not cobras. they are in the genus ophiophagus which means snake-eater. regular cobras usually eat rodents.
(2) they can lift 1/3 of their body when in the upright position, enabling them to look the average human right in the eye (before devouring them).
(3) king cobras are shy and reclusive and avoid devouring people as much as possible.
(4) king cobras sometimes attack pythons.
(5) king cobras have a version of a thumb war that they play in order to make territorial decisions.
(6) king cobras shed their skin 4 times a year.
(7) no king cobra has ever been in space.
(8) a king cobra can kill an indian elephant in 3 hours.
(9) king cobras mate in january (probably on new years).
(10) king cobras don’t respect western holidays (like new years).

i was told by two very reliable sources that i’m psychic.
experience #1: a lady i’d never met came into the library to pick up a book on hold. i wish that she said, “we’ve never met before. correct?” then i could have said, “no. we’ve never met.” instead i said, “you have a book on hold; let me get it.” i left to get it and came back and said, “your book is due in 4 weeks.” then she said, “you have a real power about you. use it for good.” i consented even though i was unsure how to do that. 8 months later she returned to the library and asked, “do you remember me?” i lied, “yes.” she said, “i told you that you have a power. i’m going to tell you what your power is.” “okay.” “you know what people are thinking. don’t forget what i told you about how you use your power.”
experience #2: i dressed up as harry potter for the harry potter and the half blood prince release party. it was a lovely evening. i saw the international space station, made a wand, and hung out with an owl that wasn’t named hedwig. towards the end i finally made it to the tarot card reading room. the gentleman psychic pulled out some cards, looked confused and said, “that’s weird. i’m going to pull out some more cards.” after two more cards he said, “this is too weird. i have to ask you something. do you read cards?” “no. i’ve never seen it done in my life.” “you’re the most intuitive male that i’ve ever met except for this guy in nevada that reads cards. you’re very psychic. i don’t want to tell you what you should do with your life, but i think you should be reading cards.” “thankyou very much,” i said. and i meant it.

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