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dinovision November 8, 2005

Posted by d.w. in dinosaurs.
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i’m going to start by naming what assumptions i am working under. these are the axioms of this blog, of sorts. by that i mean that these assumptions are essentially self-evident but unprovable within the context of this blog.

  • axiom #1: technological advancement and evolutionary advancement happen simultaneously and proportionally.
  • axiom #2: all living creatures eventually evolve into dinosaurs.
  • axiom #3: mythbusters animal face-off is the best show on television, no matter what the discovery channel says.
  • axiom #4: the hosts of mythbusters are not immortal, but they have figured out how to live for 1,000,000 years.

dinosaur stencilsone million years from today is a lot different than it is now. but it’s a lot the same. some differences: humanity is dinonity; cable is free; the intranet is the new internet. some similarities: dinosaurs love television; time machines exist; dinosaurs are scientifically inclined just like the hosts of mythbusters.

with the recent passing of the mythbuster hosts, the discovery channel decides to keep a version of mythbusters running. but discovery channel thinks that no dinosaur can do what adam savage and jamie hyneman did for the last million years. so they starts a new show called dinosaur mythbusters. the premise is similar: use the scientific method to test the validity of ancient stories. with the integration of time machines into the scientific community, the easiest way to test a legend is to travel back in time and see if it’s true. but the discovery channel knows this won’t be the top-seller that mythbusters was, so they add a twist borrowed from 21st century reality television. once a week, the discovery channel selects two dinosaurs who have opposing viewpoints on the validity of an historic legend. let’s look at the lost city of atlantis, for example. they find one dinosaur who believes it existed and one dinosaur who believes it didn’t. they send the two back in time together to the point in history when the city of atlantis was supposed to exist (they know when it should’ve sunk by using the dinoscientific method). the dinosaur that was correct travels back to the present and wins one million dino-dollars. the dinosaur that was incorrect has to live in the past until it dies.

dinosaur survivorthe first season was a complete success-osaur. they investigated things like the existence of lochness monster and the bear lake monster (including the legend that they’re the same monster and that there’s an underground tunnel from bear lake to loch ness), the identity of the pilot that shot down the red baron, ufo sightings, the murder of nicole simpson, whether larry david was adopted, and why fema was next door to the world trade center on september 10, 2001.

they took the summer off, but as the deadlines approached to figure out the logistics of the second season of dinosaur mythbusters, the dino-execs were having trouble coming up with new legends to test and contestants. during a board meeting one day in the future, they came up with the idea that since they film dinosaur mythbusters millions of years in the past, they might as well just watch the footage of what they already filmed for season two to see what they should do. here’s the transcript of that board meeting:

“but if the show is filmed in the past, how are we going to get the tapes?” one dino-exec asks.

“we’ll put them in a dino-time-capsule”

“where?”

“out behind this building.”

so they go outside and dig behind the building to find this time capsule that has been buried for millions of years. they open it up, they watch the entire season and they don’t have to plan anything because they already did plan everything in the past after they time travelled from the future to get there. so they do the casting and the planning based on what they see and the second season is ready to go. they time travel into the past, film the whole season, bury the tapes in the same time capsule and call it a day. with the success of dinosaur mythbusters: season 2, all of the future dinovision stations adopt a similar philosophy and begin to make the shows exactly as they find them in time capsules, revolutionizing how dinotainment is conceived. there was a lot of downsizing, obviously, but since it happens to our future posterity 1,000,000 years from now, there’s no point in me worrying about their problems.

after one million episodes, the discovery channel has given away 1,000,000,000,000 dino-dollars and 1,000,000 dinosaurs have died in the past. having had the same number of shows as the number of years that jamie and adam lived, they call the show quits.

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